Lifting weights No Longer ALIGNED With Core VAlues; GAINS are out

It’s come to my attention that lifting weights is inherently dangerous. In an effort to keep every gym member safe—from an abundance of caution—we are removing all weights, effective immediately.

Strength training, it turns out, is both barbaric and reckless. As you've likely guessed by now, building muscle is off the table. The risks of pushing oneself physically are simply too great, and I see no alternative but to melt down the barbells and repurpose them into something safer—perhaps decorative paper weights.

I’ve also rented a boat. Later this week, I will be personally escorting the kettlebells to the open sea, where they’ll be sunk to the ocean floor—forever silencing their call to be lifted, swung, and accidentally dropped on toes.

This news may come as a shock, and frankly, I was surprised when I heard it too. But it gets worse. Much worse. Squats? Devastating for your knees. Deadlifts? A one-way ticket to spinal collapse. Bench press? Goodbye shoulders.

In light of these undeniable truths, all forms of heavy lifting will be permanently terminated.

Stay safe out there.

Justin Miner

@justinminergain